Monday, August 25, 2008

Yo, Michelle!

See, like I'm totally down with that Brady Bunch stuff that you guys are pushing tonight, like I dig it baby, dont get me wrong. And I also have just GOT to say, you know, in a very non-sexist totally respectful way, that you are one hot-looking chick, I'm not kidding, you are awesome! The kids? Totally cute. And that message about you being just like me and all thats just one hundred percent heart-warming, I mean it makes me tingle harder than those touching stories about the hard times the Olympic athletes have had with the syrupy, tinkling piano music that they use as filler in between games. Really, I'm just a sucker for Family Values, I just go all goooshy!
But a couple of things just completely stick in my mind about your performance tonight. One is how utterly and totally flat and lifeless the whole enterprise was. I havent seen a crowd sleep through so many applause lines since Barak's speech in Berlin. You had a shot at rousing the floor of the convention and the country with your political passion; burning the cause into our hearts with flashing eyes and a James Brown drop of sweat digging a Martian canal through your foundation as you lead us to the Socialist Nirvana with your eyes blazing and your voice rising to a hot passionate ROAR! I didnt believe your performance on the maudlin codswallop script the boys in the campaign office wrote out for you. You werent living that speech! The body language was not there. If you were auditioning for June Cleaver you blew it, you choked, we'll phone you if anything comes up, NEXT! Because you're NOT June Cleaver, you're La Passionaria, Lady MacBeth, Joan Of Arc, Bella Abzug, Maxine Waters, Eva Peron; we wanted Coltraine and we got Kenny G! And if you cant be convincing in a June Cleaver role, what does that say? That you're not a MOM like everyone else: you're a hard-boiled, committed left-wing ideologue with a definite agenda that might be a bit too salty for the Great Unwashed. Thats when you work, when you are great TV; because tonight, delivering a speech that could have leapt from the lips of Pat Nixon or Rosalind Carter, you ate a giant Donkey Burrito. Politically speaking. See, the goal of every person who courts fame is to be one of the royalty who are referred to in common parlance with one name; Madonna, W, Hillary, Angelina, etc. and to do that you have to go on stage in drag as yourself, every minute! Flamboyant, Blow Out the Stops, Kick Out The Jams!
It wasnt there tonight, not even a little bit. If Mike Deaver were alive today he'd roll over in his grave. You got outshined by a washed-up drunk with a brain tumor.
Now for my other problem, Shelly, Darling, Sweetheart. You see I have this totally far-out pickup truck that I drive twenty miles to my job except that now that gas is four bucks a gallon its costing me most of my disposable income to get to work, which might not be a problem that much longer because the Air Quality Management District is threatening to close my job down because of Global Warming. What I didnt hear in your speech was what you're going to do to get gas prices down and what your ideas are about easing up on the restrictions so my boss doesnt move my job down to Mexico. Or anything about anything; that speech was as content-empty as a political speech at a political convention could possibly be. Is this going to be it? Instead of Al Sharpton and Maxine Waters we get a bloated Fat Teddy eager for the cameras one last time and the annoying, slurping idiocy of Claire McCaskill. Are we really counting on THE CLINTONS to liven things up? How pathetic is that? At least Ma and Pa Kettle arent going to hit us with any of that nauseating 'Leave It To Beaver' crap. They're mad as hell and they're not going to take it any more. Yeah! Hey, but what do you want to bet that Hillary bumped into somebody with a terrible hard luck story who wants her to keep on fighting and never give up? Any takers? No. Dang, I was sure I'd pick up at least twenty with that one.
So I'll be glued to the tube tomorrow but they better lace the Obama Bon Bons with a healthy dollop of benzedrine to get that gaggle of professional government do-gooders, aging union hacks, corrupt ward-healers and over-the-hill eco hippies on their feet and yelling real loud or Barak will never sell to the suburbs.

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