Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Poodle Warming

I always wanted a Nobel Prize. And an Oscar. And a Grammy. Why? I'll tell you why, its the babes, the chicks, the prestige groupies! C'mon baby, wanta come back to my pad and check out my Nobel? I've read about women lining up to be impregnated by a certified, world-recognized genius. There was even some dude a few years ago who tried to start a sperm bank with only Nobel donors. You instantly become the Alpha male in the center of the Baboon Circle when they hand you that sizzlin' Norwegian award. Its GREAT to be the king! No female can refuse you.

Imagine my surprise then to read the seamy tale of crazed sex-poodle Algore and the massage therapist. It seems a drunk Climate God sent for the massage therapist in the hotel where he was staying on a stop in his Holy Crusade To Save The Planet and made some 'unwelcome advances'. In fact, if he had been a mid-level executive or some other anonymous guest at the hotel one would go so far as to describe the unwelcome advance as an assault.

The details are available all over the internet and, to tell you the truth, are pretty standard for this kind of situation. Alternating whining and rage as he tries to pin down and trap his victim. If Algore had been a nobody the therapist would have slugged him or called the cops and that would have been that. Just another drunk, tubby loser on a slow night in Portland. The hotel and the women's friends discouraged her from contacting the authorities because...its GREAT to be the king!...wrecking Algore's reputation would be Bad For The Planet!

But let's ignore all that stuff and look at this a little more objectively. What kind of an idiot is alone in a hotel room, lonely, wanting female companionship and calls the front desk of the hotel to arrange for a licensed massage therapist? This was the cat who invented the internet! So I went on the internet and typed 'Escort Portland Oregon' into the search engine. There's an escort going by the name 'Mandy The Eskimo'. I clicked on 'services' and golly, that Mandy will do just about everything you could ask, and for a real reasonable price...and she's an eskimo! Also, on the long list of services that Mandy will provide is listed 'rubdown'. We can bet that Mandy isnt too fastidious to do the 'naughty bits'.

I've known a few 'legitimate' massage therapists. Animation studios sometimes hire them when there's a crushing deadline and everyone is working tons of overtime and after a few back and shoulder rubs you get acquainted. I used to live with a masseuse in San Francisco in my single days. All the legitimate masseuses that I have known take what they do very seriously. They have different methods and argue passionately over which is the most viable. They see themselves as professionals providing a helpful and valuable service and one thing makes them really, really angry...being associated with prostitutes.

So why did Algore treat this person like Mandy The Eskimo? Why didnt Algore call Mandy The Eskimo if that's the kind of massage he wanted? Why didnt he go down to the local Earth First chapter and drag off some willing climate groupie? That would have been simple. You or I wouldnt do it a) because we're married and b) listening to the tree-hugging babble for a couple of hours would be a complete turn-off and c) those granola girls are probably indiscreet and would go all over Portland bragging that they had had a little Global Warming by the Climate God. So maybe the groupie route wasnt an option. You still would think that Mr. Nobel Laureate could have had a tasteful interlude with some local married woman, someone who also needs discretion but still seeks to bask in your Academy Award Winning glow.

Nope, Al went for the crazed sex-poodle lunge. He didnt care that the oceans might rise, his own tide was in and that was all that mattered. So now the guy who stood up and called BJ Clinton 'The greatest President in American History' and told the press that there was 'no controlling legal authority' to prevent him from breaking the law while he was Vice President, the guy who traded his Gulf War vote in the Senate for extra TV time has handed us who despise him as a phony and a liar the ultimate 'global warming' argument. We can ridicule the God himself along with his self-serving scare stories.

What is it with these famous politicians? Did Governor Sanford really think that he could disappear for a week and come back no questions asked? Did Eliot Spitzer think that he could piss off everybody in the New York financial community and then go hang out with random hookers? Did John Edwards think that the whacky broad that he knocked up wouldnt tell anybody about it? Does Bill Clinton think nobody knew about Belinda Stronach and the multitude of others he's been seeing lately? Do these guys think they're so cool and smart and we're so dumb and the media is so compliant and their wives so ambitious that its all going to be fine, the secret will get kept. They think they've got everybody fooled when they flaunt their infidelity by nauseating public displays of affection to their spouses; the Clintons dancing on the beach with no music, the slobbery convention kiss that Al gave Tipper. But fulsome bragging about how much you love a spouse you've been married to for decades is like fulsome bragging about your sexual prowess... something's always fishy.

So now Algore is a crazed sex-poodle whose self-appointed crusade to save the planet has already taken some severe hits; his fellow Nobel-winners' IPCC report has been torn to shreds by revelations that the 'settled science' was lifted from the pages of the Greenpeace newsletter and basically made up; that his own 'hockey stick' is provably wrong, wrong, wrong: we're in a cool period; the oceans arent rising; the ice caps refuse to melt; studies show that there is no relationship in history between carbon levels and temperature and the theory of 'radiance' is a lot of hooey with no science behind it at all. Do people with settled science need to move temperature gathering instruments onto asphalt and near heating ducts to get the temperature readings they want and then 'lose' the real data when Freedom Of Information suits are filed to acquire the raw data? The disgraceful Copenhagen Climate Conference, occurring in the middle of a millennial blizzard called for saving the Earth by huge payouts to bloodthirsty dictators; the self-serving anti-western greediness opened a few eyes. Algore's Climate religion is beginning to feel some heat from reality, sinking in the polls.

Now Al is a crazed sex-poodle who has been dumped by the gal he snogged on the stage at the Democratic Convention. In 'Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask' Gene Wilder ends up on skid row sitting next to a sheep and drinking from a bottle of Woolite. Move over Gene, Al needs lots of room.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


Even as I watch outrage after outrage I still will always give Barak Obama credit for the one thing that he did to improve this country...he saved us from Hillary Clinton. The book 'Game Change' outlines in stark detail the nastiness, incompetence and total leftism which characterize BJ and the lovely Dragon Lady. That book, written by liberals about liberals, didnt even mention the redoubtable Hilly's taking millions of dollars from non-English-speaking Chinese pushcart vendors and the Norman Shue incident. But what was pretty clear from the book was that the Democrats, usually tolerant of each other's quirks to the point of being accessories to felonies, had finally had enough of the thuggish bullying that was the Clinton Legacy. In 'Game Change' it described how Schumer, Reid, Pelosi, Fat Teddy and the whole sorry crewe slipped dagger after dagger into the backs of the Arkansas power couple. What joy they felt watching the arrogant and seemingly invincible Hilly concede and drop out of the race--after trying to shakedown Barry and Rahm for ten million bucks to cover the IOUs from her mismanaged campaign.

But they fixed her good, them Obamunists. They granted her the fiefdom of Secretary Of State, except she had to defer to 'special envoys' in every area of importance. She would go to pressers in foreign countries and most of the questions would be about BJ. She didnt get to go to the Copenhagen Climate Summit. She was sidelined in Iran, Afghanistan, North Korea and China. Poor Hilly, what was to become of her?

That was then, this is now. Now it seems she was locked out of a burning house. As Barry and the Demo Gang have stumbled from disaster to disaster Hilly has hovered on the sidelines, never really front and center as things went so terribly wrong but official enough to be visible along the edges. Visible enough to remind the Demos that they could have elected someone who had been in the White House other than on the tour.

Now that the Demos are facing the rage of the chumps they lied to for so long, now that the 'moderate' 'Blue Dog' Stupaks are seen for the dishonest radicals that they are, they are searching for some way to save the party, even at the cost of abandoning the hapless Obama. After all, it worked with 'Jimmy The Jerk', the peanut-brained leftist who tanked the economy and came within a hair of losing the Cold War in the 70's. You see, it wasnt the orgy of leftist spending and tax-raising that crippled the economy, it wasnt open Demo Congressional support for Cuban and Soviet expansion, it wasnt the rapidly expanding government that caused all the problems it was Carter. He just wasnt up to the job, you see. It wasnt that Congress (totally controlled by the Demos) had enacted their anti-military rage by slashing budgets and adding layers of restrictive regulation to the military, it was Carter's ineptitude that caused the Tehran mission to fail.

And here we are. Who'da thunk it? The Demos are staring extinction in the face. Voters have never been this angry. Obama stumbles from screw-up to unpopular screw-up without any idea of how bad he looks and how out of touch he is with what's going on. They cant admit that its their leftist philosophy and its inevitable results that is the problem...it must be that Barry hasnt been very good at enacting more of it. Look at the rage in the liberal press that not enough money is being spent by the government to stimulate the economy while at the same time they refuse to demand that Congress come up with a budget that shows how much is being spent on this supposedly inadequate response to the recession.

If they have to do to Obama in 2010 what they did to Hilly in 2008 the Dems will do it. Barry is on his way to being toast, not just with conservatives and independents, but with Democrats and leftists. But who will rise to save the weakened and frightened Party of Compassion? Who is strong enough to keep the lie alive? There she stands, on the sidelines, in her well-filled-out pink satin pantsuit, a sneering smile on her angry face. Hillary Rodham Clinton.

All the old betrayals are forgotten, the incompetent campaign a thing of the past, impeachment a distant memory, barrels of Chinese cash suddenly an asset. They turn to Hilly because they know one thing that the still-stupid electorate seemingly doesnt know; Hillary is just as far to the left as Obama. There is absolutely no difference in their views as there is no difference in the views of any Democrat. They are all swimming in the direction their Marxist professors pointed them in when they were little commie hatchlings in the Ivy League radical fish farm.

There's more bad news. Hillary is every bit as incompetent as Obama, maybe more. She's more egotistical, more arrogant, she believes the same idiocies, she tells the same lies. The stupid electorate hasnt become Demo-phobic, they just feel like chumps because they voted for 'Hope And Change'. Yeah, the Dems will take it on the chin this November but they have high hopes that the Republiclowns will revert to type and be sandbagged in 2012 by a rejuvenated Demo media juggernaut. The independents who elected Obama will be ready to anoint Hilly. They might be right but the damage has already been done. The meltdown of the welfare state is ongoing and unstoppable. Our own little Eva Peron will be as bad as Barry in every way except that she is more lawless and more ruthless and works harder to aggrandize herself.

If the Republiclowns run a Romney, a Huckabee, a Pawlenty or some other accommodationist RINO midget in 2012 we will find ourselves in Clinton III. Prosperity and Democracy will be things of the past. Some people are buying gold to hedge against this but that's a fool's hope, socialist tyrants always confiscate gold. I'm buying a wheelbarrow so that when I cash my Social Security check I can wheel my fifty pounds of hundred dollar bills down to the government store and buy a bottle of Victory Gin. Comrade Hilly Is Always Right!

Friday, June 4, 2010

The W Factor

Lets just blame everything on George W Bush. Its so obvious now that we're entering the second leg of a W-shaped economic pattern. Let's hope its a W. We've had the fall and then we spent a couple of trillion bucks to achieve the anemic uptick of the last few months but now we are looking at another slide. The only thing that works against the W model is that there is nothing to explain how the final upside of the W is going to take place. To make matters worse our esteemed El Presidente, in a moment where it was obvious he was channeling his hero Hugo Chavez, happily announced over four hundred thousand new jobs. That would have been great if I hadnt been watching CNBC where the market was tanking because it turns out that 95% of those new jobs 'created' by this powerful upturn were temporary, minimum-wage census workers hired by the Feds. After an hour of listening to these financial guys freaking out they cut in to a Presidential speech where Barry's busting his buttons about all those swell new jobs with the newly lobotomized Biden drooling and grinning in the background.

Maybe next month they can create some new jobs by hiring unemployed white-collar workers to clean the oil that one of Barry's main campaign contributors has so thoughtlessly dumped into the Gulf Of Mexico. Maybe they could hire some people to expedite the permits to let the Louisianians create the sand berms that they wanted to get to work on (more jobs!) last month. Isnt it funny that Exxon-Mobile had one safety violation in the last year, Shell had another and BP had 760, several of them major. Guess who is a huge contributor to the Party Of Greenness. But those workaday drabs at Exxon-Mobile and Shell didnt have the vision of BP--a vision of an entire corps of formerly unemployed middle managers happily washing the goo off of flocks of appreciative water fowl. Jobs! Jobs! Jobs! Thanks Tony!

I live in a part of Los Angeles called the San Fernando Valley. Its a charming area replete with more medical marijuana dispensaries and strip malls than the fussiest heart could desire. What's our largest industry? The production of pornography. That's right Mr. And Mrs. I'm So Moral, we're working hard and yes, adding to America's job mix. Hundreds, no thousands, of Federal Employees at places like the Security Exchange Commission and the Mineral Management Service spend a lot of quality government time and resources helping to create jobs right here where I live! These public servants ignored distractions like the real estate bubble and BP's horrible safety record helping my neighbors to find work. They created jobs here and when discovered managed to avoid losing theirs--I call that a win-win!

Those of us who have been watching more and more of our jobs be sent to South Korea now have a ray of hope as the North Koreans torpedo South Korean boats and threaten nuclear war with the Chinese backing them up as we all watch our pathetic Secretary Of Defense be openly and publicly humiliated by those same Chicoms. Well, the South has elected an anti-American left-wing government (just like us) so you guys enjoy yourselves as the Yanquis go home! How do you say Hope And Change in Korean? It just means jobs, jobs, jobs for...well, somebody. Maybe not Americans because of our horrible business climate but somebody in the Global Village, and isnt Obama all about jobs? Like a laser-beam!

You know, with the Obamunists the good news on the jobs front just doesnt stop! Our esteemed Secretary Of State invested her two cents in the jobs debate by pointing out that Brazil has raised taxes and look at them, they havent collapsed...yet. I guess all those Brazilians who are here illegally, and there are plenty of them, will be heading back to that high-tax Mecca, freeing up yet more sweatshop and dishwashing jobs for all of us eager United Statesians! Thanks Hilly! I'm surprised we dont have to go recruit in other countries to fill all the jobs these wise policies are creating.

Just when the so-called economic traditionalists are pooh-poohing the robust recovery that El Presidente was touting in this morning's announcement we learn that even at the Census Bureau they've come up with yet more jobs by thinking outside the box. For instance, you hire ten census workers to work in one area for a few days and then you lay them off. Then, just in time to prevent them from receiving unemployment benefits and inflating the unemployment statistics you re-hire them to cover another area. You've 'created' twenty jobs! Do it again, that's thirty jobs! Once you train these guys to inflate the population numbers in selected neighborhoods you can massage the flow of Federal money and everyone knows that's the basis of a boom economy. Statistics were invented to be reinvented, look at the climate data! The result...Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!

The cruise industry, down on its luck, has struck an Obama-gold mine by leasing out its ships to the flotilla of terrorists heading for the sunny shores of Gaza. They've cut their ballast costs by installing medium range Iranian missiles and plastic explosive deep in the holds while up on deck the throngs of happy terrorists dance to the tune of 'Kaybars! Kaybars! Kill The Jews!' Maybe we could sneak the most tuneful ones across the Arizona border so they could compete in American Idol and add to the employment statistics (name of employer...Al Qaida!). Those foreign terrorists and Mexican drug smugglers are just doing jobs that Americans are too lazy or too cowardly to do for themselves. Actually all our domestic terrorists have jobs in the Obama Administration so we need this wise policy to bring in workers to fill the gap. It just adds up to more danged JOBS!

So we're going to continue to recover from those depressing 4.5% W Bush employment numbers--shucks, we've already doubled them and quadrupled that economy-boosting federal deficit so stand back and watch us grow! I'm already as busy as a beaver (a Clinton-era term) working to make Jerry Brown the next Governor of the Golden State. We need to get Arnold's foot off the budget brakes, stomp the spending and borrowing pedal to the metal and blast off to prosperity! See you guys in Money Town!