Saturday, August 23, 2008
Great men have interesting ways of solving problems when they're under stress. One time at Reagan's ranch in the hills near Santa Barbara Ronnie had gotten on his favorite horse and ridden into the chaparral above the house. He had a speech to make in Germany and it just wasn't coming to him. He chanced upon his foreman and some workers building a retaining wall to protect the ranch house from mudslides but they were making a mess of it; it was obvious it wouldn't hold under the slightest pressure. Reagan sat bolt upright and yelled, "Mister Gonzales, tear down that wall!"
With Barak Obama inspiration also comes in strange ways. His European Victory Tour had bombed and even his press sycophants were starting to report his bigger and bigger gaffes. Instead of the public wanting Mo' Bama his numbers went up when he vacationed in Hawaii, signaling that the public wanted Less-bama. What to do?
Pick a Vice President! That should be easy with the deep bench the Dems have. Kook-sin-itch is probably the closest in terms of the issues but he's not a super-credible candidate with the large number of people who dont want to commit national suicide just yet. There's always the lovable Hillary; but she's been pretending to gag every time she says Obama, with the gag on the middle syllable, so she's not really a good pick. There's Evan Bayh, but the thought of the Obama Bayh Bayh jokes was just too much. Also the guy is terminally boring. People used to faint at Obama speeches; they pass out in droves at Bayh events. He's been sited for violating the Sleeping Gas Protocol of the Geneva Convention. There's that sawed-off little runt in New Mexico; his mother's a Mexican, thats a plus. But that would just antagonize the Clints more and they dont want to totally stiff them. Plus he's obviously smarter than BHO and the Abbot and Costello thing would start to happen because of the size. No Way.
What to do? What to do? Barak went up to the den and put on one of his favorite DVDs to relax and just have a laugh. The phone was ringing off the hook with advisors and press people all eager to be the first to know. Who will it be?
He hits play. Its the Three Stooges, the one where they're plumbers. Obama laughs along until a scene comes on where Curly is proud of some job he's completely screwed up and turns to Moe and states' "This is so easy a moron could do it!"
Moe replies, "Well why dont you get one to help ya?" And then hits him on the head with a wrench.
Obama sat bolt upright! Why don't I get a moron to help me? The idea hit him on the head like a wrench. It stayed with him as he interviewed the potential rivals. Bayh read him a position paper, Clinton threatened him with oblivion, Richardson burbled on about some 'border' somewhere we were supposed to be 'enforcing' or something like that.
Only one candidate had properly prepared. He also went to the DVD player, the only move for a completely facile candidate in a nation whose brains have been reduced to Jello after decades of TV watching and now internet-surfing. But he got it all wrong. He wanted to watch some 'black-themed' movies so he could 'get down' with brother Obama in that way the white people use to ingratiate themselves with black people by trying to act hip that always wins them over in a flash once they realize how groovy and multi-cultural you are. He watched a collection of Stepin' Fetchit movies that he had found lying around his empty cavern of a campaign office after his 'presidential campaign' collapsed from sheer embarrassment. This guy paid illegal aliens ten bucks to vote for him and they put the money in their pockets and voted for Hillary Clinton who was offering them counterfeit Green Cards.
So armed to the teeeth, and I do mean teeeth, this dude is all about teeeth, with hip black culture he went to the interview. He considered wearing a dashiki but some adviser saved him just in the nick of time. If he had bumped into Al Sharpton in the hallway...
It was frosty at first. But then Obama asked him a question about policy, giving Our Hero a chance to put some of the Ebonics he'd picked up watching those videos into play.
"I dont know boss, I's as ignorant as you is..."
He had found him! A twenty-four-carat, Real McCoy Moron with teeeth! Yes Biden is a total zero; he's boring, he's stupid, he's enthusiastic about every bad idea anyone has had in the last thirty years, he screwed up the Clarence Thomas Borking, his presidential campaign was the absolute worst each of the eight or nine times he's run, he has a tendency to shoot his mouth off and say offensive and stupid things; he's PERFECT!
You just can't go wrong when you're a Democrat and Moe Howard is your guru.