Saturday, May 24, 2008

Is There A Doctor In The House?

Well, the medical records have been released and they show that John McCain is healthy as a horse; a really old horse that used to have cancer. Oh THAT. Its probably not going to be a problem. After all, his form of skin cancer was caused by excessive whiteness, certainly a talking point when you're running against Barak Obama and trying to lock down the Angry White vote. But as the old boy totters around talking about Global Warming and trading epithets with Obama you have to wonder if any medical report can smooth over the fact that he's just too damned old.
Lets be fair. The others havent released their medical records yet and there are some important medical issues that pose serious problems for the others.
With Hillary we can be sure that her blood pressure is probably OK and the multiple shots of her butt that the media delight in showing us lately have proven that there's no spinal or muscular problems but the records we might be asking for these days are her psychiatric results. She's staying in the race because Robert Kennedy got shot in June and you never know? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean, say no more! This puts the Bosnian sniper hallucinations in a whole new light. Thinks a lot about bullets flying does she? If Obama wanted to finish her off today he would hie himself off to Fort Marcy Park, stand on the hillside where they found Vince Foster's body, rip open his shirt and yell, "Here I am Mrs. Clinton!" Of course, nobody has the nerve to tempt fate like that. Its amazing that Clinton (once described as The Smartest Woman In The World!) could be so stupid. Maybe she should release the results of her IQ test while she's at it. Could whatever strange virus that turned Bill into a bug-eyed,shouting, purple-faced loony, whose recent announcement of Chelsea's candidacy for 2016 has made him a viable candidate for a heavy course of Thorazine or horse tranquilizers, be contagious? Hillary has also put her health in grave jeopardy in the event she ever is within swinging distance of Michelle Obama. There never was much love lost between them in the first place but this has certainly sealed the deal. And if Michelle needs any help to clobber the loquacious Hillary Nancy Pelosi and Howard Dean will be happy to pin the wife of the Former First Black President's arms back while Michelle lands a haymaker.
Should Barak release his medical records? Well, look at him. He doesnt look like he's about to keel over any time soon. He might be slowed down by the twenty pounds of body armor they'll be strapping on him in case Hillary's payment to the Bosnian sniper is non-refundable; you know, like Lee Van Cleef in 'The Good The Bad and The Ugly,"Funny thing is, once I've been paid for a job I always carry it out."
But Baraks' problems arent medical. He makes the most amazing gaffes. He's been to all 57 states. Iran is a tiny nation one day, our most powerful enemy the next. People worry that he might have picked up radical ideas in the left-wing universities he attended but now they should worry about what he didnt pick up-- like any notion of geography or economics. He's physically fit for the presidency but intellectually? He says shallow, ridiculous things and then contradicts them the next day with other shallow, ridiculous things until you get the idea that he is basically shallow and ridiculous. He hasnt ever said anything that shows any glimmer that he perceives the need for a strategic vision that would work to underpin the vigorous pursuit of our national interests, or even that we have any legitimate national interests which need to be pursued vigorously or otherwise, except a pathetic desire that foreigners like us more. The reports we want to see from Barak are reports on how he would deal, specifically, with our pressing long and short term problems, information thats harder to come by than the donor records for the Clinton Lie-Berry and Massage parlor.
So, I guess the only thing to do is for me to go to MY doctor and ask him for a bottle of valiums so that when all of America's chickens come home to roost, as the good Reverend has prophesied, I'll be smiling and ready for the New Age.

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