Friday, May 29, 2009

Sonia, Darling! I Love You!

Wait a goldanged minute! I forgot that I was a Born-Again Moderate there for a second. Maybe its time to put on my Moderate Cap and give Sonia Sockmonster a second look. As I travel around the Right Wing Blogger's trail and twist my dial around the AM band from extremist radio show to crackpot incendiary talk host all I hear is people moaning and yelling on behalf of those poor, mistreated firedudes in Connecticut. Unfortunate victims of racism by the Sockmonster, it turns out. Poor old dyslexic Ricci actually studied for this exam while his black colleagues were undoubtedly sitting at home watched the NBA playoffs and downing a few brews, waiting for the quotas to kick in. IS THIS AMERICA? GRRRRRR...

As a resident of the Great Bankrupt State Of Gollyvornia (renamed by The Jerkinator) I'm used to seeing firefighters as victims of injustice. Every time the Powers That Be in the Democrat dominated state legislature are too cowardly to enact some new outrage against the moronic, mouth-breathers who elected this egregious pack of wild-spending hippies and Mexican Marxists to that Love-In in Sacramento in the usual landslide, these same 'legislators' put whatever bad idea they cant bring themselves to openly support on the ballot as a referendum. A bankrupt state 'investing' $3 billion bucks on embryonic stem-cell research? Won by a landslide! The Jerkinator wanted to sock a giant tax increase to us just this month so they put it up for a special election.

Because the usual gang of idiots were too lazy to vote in a special election the state was saved from this latest outrage by a bunch of Tea Baggers, now so angry at the disastrous onset of Obamunism and the stupidity of their fellow citizens that they flocked to the polls and voted the measures to extinction in a 10% turnout with the zombies at home watching Oprah and exercising their rights conferred by Bowers vs Hardwick. But the Dummycraps tried their best to inflict this new outrage on an overtaxed population. They spent a huge amount of money on ads calling on us to more fully fund the Megastate. Almost all of the hundreds of millions spent came from the coffers of the public employee unions.

And when Public Employee Unions want to put their hands more deeply into your pocket and give you the old Big Government testicular squeeze what do they do? They hire some Hollywood actor and stick him in a fireman's suit, hand him an ax and put him on TV. Please, this Hero Of Combustion implores, dont let them lay me and my heroic, civic-minded pals off. Taxes arent high enough for us to afford for Gollyvornia to ambulance every illegal alien with a sore throat to free medical care, pay worthless political cronies giant consulting fees to conduct useless studies to determine just why all the programs the government inspires are ineffective. We're not taxing enough to be paying billions for useless windmills and solar panels that break after two weeks. We dont shell out enough taxes for every state employee to have a brand new state-provided hybrid car or for those giant towers full of educational bureaucrats AND also to put out any fires that might break out. Taxes are just too darned low and obviously the low-priority firefighters are going to be the first to go in any budget cuts before any of the vital windmills and bureaucrats.

Now we know these arent real firemen we're seeing on TV ads. They're the kind of Firey Adonises who fight giant five thousand degree chemical blazes with their shirts off, the flickering glow playing across their freshly-waxed, magnificently toned pecs in movies like 'Backdraft'. Chick porn firefighters. They use their super-long hoses to quench the flames in your heart. The ones in the ads have eyes like sad basset hounds. PLEASE! DONT TAKE MY JOB, YOU MEANIES! Those poor, underpaid paragons have enough dough to saturate every media market in this hugely expensive state with ads on every channel from morning to night. No broadcast network station is too big or cable outlet too small for you to avoid the soulful big eyes of these firejerks as they plead for you to push the state and yourself a little closer to insolvency on their behalf.

Which brings us, inevitably to Ricci vs Destephano, the case that supposedly defines Sonia Sockmonster as unfit, because of her racist views, to be a member of the Supremes. It turns out that Reese is a dyslexic who had to get a friend to read the test manuals into a tape recorder so he could study up for the exam. Some delightful Keystone Kop images of him pointing his high-pressure hose in the wrong direction occur to one but I'll resist the temptation to go whole hog, as a moderate must. The blogs and the airwaves are full of loud wails on behalf of Ricci and his white buddies, so severely treated by La Sockmonster in her clumsily-worded, semi-literate, one-paragraph 'decision'. It was a decision so short and lacking in substance that our Esteemed Master Of Hope And Change was able to take some time out from fixing the weather and the health care system in his busy four-hour workday to actually read the entire decision from beginning to end and be suitably impressed before his afternoon round on the golf course. It dripped with empathy and compassion and The Father Of The Nation decided to give the Gift Of Compassion to every American by placing this not-too-bright, angry, left-wing judicial anarchistic legislator on The Court.

Should we be upset on behalf of the dirty deal done to Ricci and the boys? Maybe. Maybe not. After all, even though Reese doesnt have the sad eyes, waxed torso and elegantly-styled hair of one of our beloved TV firemen he is a member of a left-wing public employee union in a left wing state. The only Republiclowns who ever get elected in Connecticut are oleaginous worms like Lowell Weiker or Chris Shays (who was apparently too 'right wing' to hang on to his seat) who routinely cause nausea and seasickness amongst their Republiclown brethren when they turn up at conventions and are mobbed by the left-wing media hoping for, and usually receiving, embarrassing statements reviling the nominee. Not that a single one of those fire dorks ever voted for even a liberal Republiclown in their wildest dreams.

Thats right. When the Kelo vs. New London decision said it was alright for corrupt city officials to seize people's homes and sell them to crooked developers to raise additional tax and bribe money was the mass demonstration that didnt happen led by an angry contingent from the New Haven Firefighter's Union? When that sniveling, sanctimonious hypocrite liberal Marxist Lieberman ran for reelection or the cravenly corrupt Stalinist Dodd-erer, who played a key role in wrecking our banking system while he was very publicly pocketing huge bribes from sleazy criminals announced his candidacy, did he hear from the center of resistance that was developing in the heart of the staunchly pro-freedom, clean government gang down at the firehouse in New Haven? Not a dickey-bird from these Hope And Change Obama voters.

If the chickens vote for Colonel Sanders should we cry when we find them in the cardboard bucket deep fried and covered with batter? These guys are Democrats and have been all their lives. Affirmative Action has been around a long time and it always was nothing more than a racial quota system that ignored qualifications in favor of group rights. These DEMOCRATS voted for it again and again. So now you studied for the test, passed it and didnt get the job? Too darned bad Fire Dopes! This is the world you chose. You wanted to be in a cushy class of highly-paid employees with total job security and a pension plan that somebody would have to be a millionaire to afford in the private sector. That comes with the affirmative action baggage attached, in case you didnt notice.

So Sockmonster is a good fit for a system that could elect a loser like Obama and sixty senators all devoted to destroying everything that made this country a success. Ricci and the others got exactly what they deserved under a system where laws have been replaced by compassion and empathy. Lets hope they have their hoses ready when Global Warming sets the world on fire.

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