Thursday, December 31, 2009
Skep41's Man Of The Year Award
Americans are so arrogant and xenophobic. We thought that we had, in BJ Clinton, the horniest, crookedest, lyingest, money-grubbing disgrace to Democracy in the history of this troubled world. Others have given old BJ a run for his money but until now there just wasnt any competition.
I guess its a sign that America is losing its edge. Its one of the BRIC countries that has produced the new paragon, the matchless man, Skep41's Man Of The Year! A winner and also, like the lovable BJ, a Victim Of Love.
In Hyderabad, India, a town known only for its growing hi-tech industries and a pedestrian run-over rate second only to Beijing there dwelt our Man Of The Hour, Narain Dutt Tiwari. He was the governor of the state of Andhra Pradesh. Yes, was the governor until the vindictive and the uptight got involved in his private life.
Here was an active senior citizen at the top of his game at eighty-six years young, making things happen for his backward state better than any thirty year old. When an eager businesswoman approached him about a mining lease Narain Dutt Tiwari sprang into action. Now mining isnt as iffy in India as it is here. There are no well-organized Ecological whackos, no environmental impact studies to be filed, no endless court cases, no thuggish unions to be placated; in India they want wealth above ground and screw the planet! And to facilitate the digging you just have to grease one guy, Narain Dutt Tiwari. One stop shopping and all your troubles are over. Park yer bakshish budget with Narain Dutt Tiwari and start work tomorrow.
Did I mention that Narain Dutt Tiwari is eighty six years old? Now, we've all had to take care of our aging parents and we all know that when they get up there in age they can come up with some unusual requests and our Senior Citizen Governor had a very unusual request to make of the woman who was negotiating for this particular lease. He wanted to have sex with three hookers at the same time. At eighty six years old. I suppose there were some eyebrows raised somewhere but when you want permission to drill you have to satisfy some unique requests.
So Narain Dutt Tiwari got his party. He even videotaped the proceedings so he could have something to remember in his old age. So that's the first way he qualifies for MOTY; being 86 and still game enough to tackle three young women at the same time and also being idiotic enough to let there be a videotape made of the action. What a guy!
So Narain Dutt Tiwari gets his trip to Girlie World, but was he happy? Apparently not because he stiffed the person who hired the hookers and gave the lease to someone else, someone with four hookers perhaps. What a guy even more! Passing a basket of cash to the Clintons and letting BJ paw your old lady always got you what you wanted but Narain Dutt Tiwari is made of sterner stuff. He laughed at that paltry attempt to influence an honest politician, making him not only hornier than BJ Clinton but LESS HONEST! How many people in the world can say that and not be lying?
But he, or she in this case, who laughs last laughs best! The disgruntled briber had nothing to show for her efforts--except that crummy video. I mean who wants to look at the 86 year old governor of their state in bed with three hookers? Plenty of people, it turns out. The tape got posted on the internet and all hell broke loose!
Now how does a guy, caught on a video tape that everyone has seen, handle the adverse publicity? If he's Narain Dutt Tiwari he yells FRAME-UP! I mean, he's 86 years old and they're charging him with getting it on with three women at the same time, a feat most guys couldnt pull off at 28 years old? If it wasnt for the tape showing him actually doing it he might have gotten away with it, but alas, the video images were too strong for even a politician as skilled as Narain Dutt Tiwari to overcome. He had no sincere wife to sit beside him and claim that they've moved on from their past problems, no adoring media to explain that the prosecutor was a sex maniac, not even a team of fast talking hacks to launch smear attacks on his critics. Narain Dutt Tiwari was all alone on this one.
It was then that he did the thing that gets him Skep's Man Of The Year award, leaving any competition in the dust. He resigned because of his health. 86, three women, and his health is bad! Yup. They dont come any sleazier and dishonest than that!
And so, for being a 100% total creep, for making all the rest of us, even the Clintons, look relatively honest and for being an inspiration to those of us who fear our eighty sixth birthday I am happy to announce that Narain Dutt Tiwari is my man of the year. If I could afford it I'd hire three Indian hookers and a camera and send them over to his palace to give him his reward and raise the old duffer's spirits. Congratulations!