Monday, December 21, 2009

Geniuses 1- Aryans 0

If my father was alive today he'd roll over in his grave. How did I go so far astray? I guess it was that first Civil War reenactment. Georgia Infantry. You know, the slavery guys. That was my gateway drug but who ever would have thought...I didnt even recognize how sick I had become until that nice Senator Whitehouse laid it all out. And this guy is really cool, too! I used to go to his website, I mean the chicks on that site would do anything! But I guess being up to his elbows in freaky porn 24/7 did something to his brain and turned him anti-social. He quit being a respectable pornographer and now he's the Democratic Senator from Rhode Island. Sorry Mr. & Mrs. Whitehouse, maybe your other kids turned out honest.

But, whatever, this dude might be misguided but he's plenty smart! You see, after I went to that Civil War reenactment I went to a Tea Party. Now, in between these two events I voted for John McLame so I figured that I was just as much of a commie as anybody else. I mean, I even recycle! Well, my wife makes me, but I'm saving the planet just as much as the Greenest of the Green. You know, when Copenhagen happened I tried really hard not to laugh. Well, not that hard. I missed Barry's Nobel Speech. I figured if he said anything memorable people would remember it and tell me about it but nobody ever mentioned it so I guess watching 'Rotten Tomatoes' on Algore's Current Network was a better choice after all. That level of apathy and ignorance would qualify me as an Obama Voter, wouldnt it? So I figured I was cool.

But Thoughtcrime is insidious, it creeps in and turns you into a counterrevolutionary without you even knowing it. I was hanging out with some of my Tea Party friends, few and far between in this neck of the woods, and just for a joke we were kidding around about how Obama and the Democrats were wrecking the country and spitting on the Constitution...I mean those guys are a crack-up, they'll say anything for a laugh. Anyway Troxl, a huge blond Viking of a man looked off into the not too distant future that we only have to march towards over the bodies of our subhuman enemies and said, "Hey guys, wouldnt it be fun to do a World War Two reenactment?"

"Wunderbar!" said Hendrick, wiping an errant hank of hair back from his forehead and crossing his arms forcefully, "We can be the SS Totenkopfverband Division!" It all seemed so innocent. We would put on our black uniforms, drink imported beer (from guess where?), taking care not to spill any on our swell armbands, and talk about Health Care and pass around the literature that we downloaded off those hip insurance company websites while we converted our AR-16s to full auto. You know, just hanging out with the guys.

Then, there it was, The Truth, so obvious, so powerful. Sheldon Whitehouse, genius, savant, a man whose vision and insight were spotted and harnessed by those wise Rhode Island voters tells it like it is...

"The birthers, the fanatics, the people running around in right-wing militia and Aryan support groups, it is unbearable to them that President Barack Obama should exist."

OMG! He's so right! That nice little old lady I talked to at that Tea Party about the Constitution, she was like a Nazi or something. Those Aryan types are mighty crafty. They seemed like struggling small business people and disillusioned working class types to me, people afraid for their future and anxious to preserve their freedom. Most of them werent even blond and they left their armbands at home to fool guys like me into thinking they were legitimate protesters. Dang! I've been hanging out with a bunch of Nazis the whole time and I didnt even know it! If these critters find out that my father was Jewish they might turn me into a lampshade or something!

One thing kind of gets me about Senator Whitehouse, though. He was speaking after all of him and his left-wing buddies voted in perfect lock-step to pass a HealthScare Bill that was locked in Uraih Heep Reid's office, unread by anyone, in a party-line vote in the dead of night. Whats he got against us disgruntled fringe elements anyway? We're powerless. You'd almost think that the emissions from guys like him were warming up the political atmosphere so much that the mandate that his party lied its way into was melting in a hot sea of voter anger. No, that's not true, the New York Times says everybody still loves Obama deep down but they're just cranky that he's not far enough to the left. Uh-huh.

But for a party that now has its victory those Dems arent celebrating very much, are they? The blatant purchase, with money borrowed from the Chicoms or printed up fresh by the Federal Reserve, of the votes of three of the most nauseating hypocrites ever to disgrace any public office was enough to make anyone gag. Even Dianne Sawyer's botoxed skin-mask wrinkled a little on that one. Ben Nelson reminds me of a big fat dog I had once that got sprayed by a skunk and then wanted to come in the house to get to his food bowl, his face twisted with greed but trying to be ingratiating as he reeked like a ripe corpse. Blanche Lincoln looks like the harrassed woman from down the street who would show up with a bunch of bruises to have coffee and would tell my mother, "Harry says I dont listen too good..." Mary Landfill looks like the cheerleader that the football players used to get sloppy drunk after every game and drag into the showers. She has that same demented leering grin pasted onto her face that doesnt quite hide her political nymphomania. What a bunch of losers! My skunk-sprayed dog had more moral fiber than all sixty Demo Senators put together. In fact I should apologize to Cooper for comparing him to Al Franken or Chuck Schumer.

Loser numero uno has to be the aptly named Joe Loserman. Skunks take one whiff of him and run the other way. Remember during the impeachment trial in the Senate when they announced solemnly that Loserman was going to make a speech that would burn that nasty BJ Clinton to the ground, and what a lot of phony-baloney pious hot air it turned out to be? Well, that time he peed on anybody dumb enough to think he wasnt just as much of a commie as all the rest of the Demos. Just like he did again this week.

Well, at least Whitehouse set me straight on this opposition to Health Scare. I told those guys that I wasnt going to be a part of their racist cabal anymore and to take back those Friedrick Von Hayek hate manuals and all those Milton Freidman and George Gilder hate books for the next big book burning and count me out. I feel clean now. I can recycle with a happy heart. Well, not completely happy; before I quit they were going to make me an Unterscharfuhrer!

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