Friday, June 4, 2010

The W Factor

Lets just blame everything on George W Bush. Its so obvious now that we're entering the second leg of a W-shaped economic pattern. Let's hope its a W. We've had the fall and then we spent a couple of trillion bucks to achieve the anemic uptick of the last few months but now we are looking at another slide. The only thing that works against the W model is that there is nothing to explain how the final upside of the W is going to take place. To make matters worse our esteemed El Presidente, in a moment where it was obvious he was channeling his hero Hugo Chavez, happily announced over four hundred thousand new jobs. That would have been great if I hadnt been watching CNBC where the market was tanking because it turns out that 95% of those new jobs 'created' by this powerful upturn were temporary, minimum-wage census workers hired by the Feds. After an hour of listening to these financial guys freaking out they cut in to a Presidential speech where Barry's busting his buttons about all those swell new jobs with the newly lobotomized Biden drooling and grinning in the background.

Maybe next month they can create some new jobs by hiring unemployed white-collar workers to clean the oil that one of Barry's main campaign contributors has so thoughtlessly dumped into the Gulf Of Mexico. Maybe they could hire some people to expedite the permits to let the Louisianians create the sand berms that they wanted to get to work on (more jobs!) last month. Isnt it funny that Exxon-Mobile had one safety violation in the last year, Shell had another and BP had 760, several of them major. Guess who is a huge contributor to the Party Of Greenness. But those workaday drabs at Exxon-Mobile and Shell didnt have the vision of BP--a vision of an entire corps of formerly unemployed middle managers happily washing the goo off of flocks of appreciative water fowl. Jobs! Jobs! Jobs! Thanks Tony!

I live in a part of Los Angeles called the San Fernando Valley. Its a charming area replete with more medical marijuana dispensaries and strip malls than the fussiest heart could desire. What's our largest industry? The production of pornography. That's right Mr. And Mrs. I'm So Moral, we're working hard and yes, adding to America's job mix. Hundreds, no thousands, of Federal Employees at places like the Security Exchange Commission and the Mineral Management Service spend a lot of quality government time and resources helping to create jobs right here where I live! These public servants ignored distractions like the real estate bubble and BP's horrible safety record helping my neighbors to find work. They created jobs here and when discovered managed to avoid losing theirs--I call that a win-win!

Those of us who have been watching more and more of our jobs be sent to South Korea now have a ray of hope as the North Koreans torpedo South Korean boats and threaten nuclear war with the Chinese backing them up as we all watch our pathetic Secretary Of Defense be openly and publicly humiliated by those same Chicoms. Well, the South has elected an anti-American left-wing government (just like us) so you guys enjoy yourselves as the Yanquis go home! How do you say Hope And Change in Korean? It just means jobs, jobs, jobs for...well, somebody. Maybe not Americans because of our horrible business climate but somebody in the Global Village, and isnt Obama all about jobs? Like a laser-beam!

You know, with the Obamunists the good news on the jobs front just doesnt stop! Our esteemed Secretary Of State invested her two cents in the jobs debate by pointing out that Brazil has raised taxes and look at them, they havent collapsed...yet. I guess all those Brazilians who are here illegally, and there are plenty of them, will be heading back to that high-tax Mecca, freeing up yet more sweatshop and dishwashing jobs for all of us eager United Statesians! Thanks Hilly! I'm surprised we dont have to go recruit in other countries to fill all the jobs these wise policies are creating.

Just when the so-called economic traditionalists are pooh-poohing the robust recovery that El Presidente was touting in this morning's announcement we learn that even at the Census Bureau they've come up with yet more jobs by thinking outside the box. For instance, you hire ten census workers to work in one area for a few days and then you lay them off. Then, just in time to prevent them from receiving unemployment benefits and inflating the unemployment statistics you re-hire them to cover another area. You've 'created' twenty jobs! Do it again, that's thirty jobs! Once you train these guys to inflate the population numbers in selected neighborhoods you can massage the flow of Federal money and everyone knows that's the basis of a boom economy. Statistics were invented to be reinvented, look at the climate data! The result...Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!

The cruise industry, down on its luck, has struck an Obama-gold mine by leasing out its ships to the flotilla of terrorists heading for the sunny shores of Gaza. They've cut their ballast costs by installing medium range Iranian missiles and plastic explosive deep in the holds while up on deck the throngs of happy terrorists dance to the tune of 'Kaybars! Kaybars! Kill The Jews!' Maybe we could sneak the most tuneful ones across the Arizona border so they could compete in American Idol and add to the employment statistics (name of employer...Al Qaida!). Those foreign terrorists and Mexican drug smugglers are just doing jobs that Americans are too lazy or too cowardly to do for themselves. Actually all our domestic terrorists have jobs in the Obama Administration so we need this wise policy to bring in workers to fill the gap. It just adds up to more danged JOBS!

So we're going to continue to recover from those depressing 4.5% W Bush employment numbers--shucks, we've already doubled them and quadrupled that economy-boosting federal deficit so stand back and watch us grow! I'm already as busy as a beaver (a Clinton-era term) working to make Jerry Brown the next Governor of the Golden State. We need to get Arnold's foot off the budget brakes, stomp the spending and borrowing pedal to the metal and blast off to prosperity! See you guys in Money Town!

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