Thursday, April 8, 2010
Santa Monica used to be a slum. In the 60's all those beach towns were definitely low-rent and run down. Not any more. Santa Monica has become Yuppie Central, like a vast colony of prairie dogs, except instead of those cute little yellow-ochre rodents Santa Monica is a giant warren of granola-eating New Age loonies addicted to destructive behaviors that cause societal erosion...like voting for Henry Waxman. A run-down shack in this little enclave tucked in between LA and the beach sells for over a mil and severe rent control has made apartments only available to those who can afford to pay the landlord huge 'key fees' to move in. A walk down the Third Street Mall will find you confronted by petition circulators who are trying to put measures on the ballot that would turn the State of California into an even more bleak economic desert than the left-wing loonies in the legislature have so far been able to accomplish.
What is dearer to the hearts of these paisley-clad Puritans in their pursuit of a Clean Green Planet than forcing all of us to eat a diet completely devoid of any kind of flavor or juice? Its amazing that they havent outdone that whacky little screwball who claims to be mayor of New York City by banning salt, transfat, meat produced from unhappy animals, or any food containing any kind of preservatives. In fact these pinched-mouthed fanatics hardly ever agree on what constitutes non-sinful eating but they tend to agree on one food as being completely politically correct...sushi.
Yes, you heard me, sushi. A piece of raw fish laid across a seaweed-wrapped, circular disk of usually white rice (brown in the case of the truly hard-core). Of course Sashimi, Nigiri, Maki rolls, all are OK for good-thinking Santa Monicans as long as their wallets hold up to the stiff costs of these little niblets of raw fish and sculptured veggies. The vibes in the numerous sushi establishments that are far more numerous than gas stations in that Progressive burg are SO highly evolved you can almost sense Gaia looking down with a smile lighting up her Earth Mother visage.
But of course no one is perfect. Many of the sushi chefs hail from formerly unknown Japanese cities with names like Zacatecas and Guadelajara. All of the serving staff speak a patois of Japanese known to its speakers as Espanol. The upscale owners of these bistros have been known to chastise mistakes in service with rhino-hide swagger sticks purchased from the British Empire going-out-of-business sale. These minor sins can be overlooked by an accepting population who recognizes that movement in a Green Direction is progress.
Then it happened. It was on 4th Street, right in the belly of the Green Beast, that some sharp eye noticed a popular upscale sushi bar was selling whale sushi. Little strips of whale laid lovingly across the little muffins of seaweed-wrapped rice. Oh they had some euphemistic name for it but it was whale. A mob formed and the owner of the joint barely escaped painful bloody murder at the hands of an angry crowd of people who only eat organic eggs from cage-free chickens. Its lucky that there was a medical marijuana dispensary and a sexual appliance store on either side of the sushi bar or the outraged hippies would have torched the scene of the crime.
Now there are neighborhoods in my beloved Los Angeles where people happily wear jumpsuits lined with fur from snow leopards and carry dolphin-skin handbags encrusted with rhinestones. My neighborhood as a matter of fact. We have a word for people like that...Iranians. You can see them speeding down the left-hand turn lane in the center of Ventura Boulevard in their badly-tuned Hummers laying down a carpet of black diesel smoke and screaming in Farsi on their cell phones. They probably eat whale shwarma all the time. My fellow Republicans, as they have developed a healthy resentment to being fleeced by high taxes and watching Barak Obama and Hillary Clinton suck up to the evil regime in Iran.
But over the hill they dont have any truck with cetacean murder. They deny themselves that last order of Unagi so they can kick in to reelect Hog-Nosed Hank and Babs Boxer without realizing that their favorite food is about to be denied to them by the same regime they elected so lovingly sixteen months ago. How could this be? Sushi is to the Obama Administration what pizza was to the Clinton Administration, its outrageous to think that the sushi-eaters who monopolize the upper reaches of our government would do anything to outlaw their favorite food.
Outlaw? No, but have these thoughtful Greenies considered what imposing a Value Added Tax might do to the price of their fishy treats? In the UK they imposed a VAT in the bleak, dark, socialistic seventies. What happened? Prices exploded overnight. A VAT is imposed at every level so the costs of rice and fish are taxed and then the cost of sushi is taxed when you buy it at the sushi bar. The cost of parking your car is taxed. Chopsticks, ginger and wasabi? Ditto. In the UK the business owners decided that everyone was expecting a price hike so they added a great big one to the VAT, figuring it could just be blamed on the government. Those eight-dollar spicy tuna rolls might double in price. The gas to drive your car to Santa Monica will double and triple as the idiotic foriegn policy climbdown turns the Middle East over to the nuked-up Iranians.
Inflation. It will crash into the beachside cafe culture of upscale places like Santa Monica like a tsunami. As the sushi-addicts are cold-turkeyed from their favorite food you'll see them wading into the sewage-polluted surf with meat-cleavers attacking the dolphins and sea lions with a hungry gleam in their eyes. Crowds of sushi-deprived Green Activists will greedily devour the fresh carcasses on the beach wrapping bloody scraps of cetacean flesh in the slimy seaweed that washes up with every wave. The Obama Depression has so far been fairly selective. The upscale have managed to avoid its most onerous effects but the day they impose a VAT that will be a thing of the past. This mega-inflationary tax is a wealth destroyer and a poverty creator.
Are the whales safe then? After all, its hard to swim far enough out to clip one of them with your meat-cleaver and you wont be able to afford gas or tie-up fees for a boat. Hmmm. Maybe they're safe, maybe not. The power vacuum created by the economic suicide of America will cause the rise of a new Superpower in the Pacific. China. Not a society known for their stewardship of the environment. Whale eaters. Drag net users. Dolphin killers. No environmental conscience at all.
The Obama policies could easily lead to the extinction of every form of marine life outside of those Chinese chemical and fish-feces polluted fish farms that are so notorious for contamination that Green markets like Trader Joes were forced to relabel their tilapia fillets as Chilean. It was easy to make a sticker that covered the 'na' at the end of the phrase Made In China with an 'le', creating a much more safe and salable product.
Not that you'll be able to afford tilapia fillets at $750 a box. Even the rice will be unavailable as the Green Nutballs cut off the water to every rice paddy in California in the name of the Delta Smelt, the only fish that has a chance of survival in the next few years. Every Obama policy is dedicated to make you live poorer than the poor in the poorest countries. You'll be cashing your unemployment check so you can use the worthless currency to light a fire to keep warm.
Hope And Change.