The Nobel Prize For Investigatory Excellence

Torquemada
If you needed to get to the bottom of a case of blasphemy or get screams from an unrepentant Jew this was your guy. A bit too religious for modern times but with the left witch-hunting Neo-Cons (aka Jews) he could be a dark horse.






Antoine Fouquet-Tinville

An emotional favorite. Lenin admired him greatly. A merciless and incorruptible head of the Revolutionary Tribunal during the Great Terror during the French Revolution. Selected counter- revolutionaries were subjected to abuse during their trumped-up trials and then loaded onto carts and sent straight to the guillotine.
Marie Antionette, Charlotte Corday , Danton and Desmoilline were among his many famous victims. Hey, this guy wrote the book on show trials. Everybody afterwards were just copycats. Unfortunately his love of justice lead to his own beheading after his mentor Robespierre fell from power. Still wonky college history professors might put him over the top.







Judge Roy Bean

The proverbial 'Hangin Judge' out of Vinageroon, Texas. By the time the accused got the the barroom where the trials were held they'd been worked over pretty good by the deputies so backsass was kept at a minimum. Every trial ended with a conviction and a hanging. Walter Brennan portrayed him in a film version of his life, making him a favorite of film buffs who to this day repeat his line, " That's my ruling and I'm stickin to it."









Andrei Vishinsky
Oil industry on the fritz? Coal or meat production spiraling down due to disastrous Central Planning decisions? Old Party Pals getting on your nerves? Call in Andrei. Intimidating and bullying people who have confessed after a few months in the cells under the tender care of the GPU takes a certain kind of guy, and Andrei was that guy! They ALL confessed! They ALL apologized! Well the live ones did. Unfortunately the inventor of the Stalinist show trial so beloved of the left, then and now, was himself charged with counter revolution and Solzhenitsyn chuckles with joy in Gulag Archipelago imagining Vishinski being robbed and chased under his bunk by the criminal thugs that Stalin inflicted on his political prisoners. Older Fabians and Social Democrats could pull off a win here.


Roland Friesler
This guy was a nobody, just an average judge under National Socialism, you know some retards and cripples shipped off for disposal here, off to the dungeons for defeatist propaganda there, same old crap every day. Until the July 20th bomb plot put this guy on the map, KAPOWEE! The defendants in his show trials were beaten, had their false teeth confiscated and were given overly large clothes and no belts. And if screaming at them wasnt enough Roland would get up and give them a smack. There was only one sentence-- being hung from a tow-truck using piano wire. The leading conspirators were filmed for Hitler's enjoyment. Roland was a busy guy-- his tribunal sentenced 4,000 people and would have done more if Freisler hadnt been hit by a British bomb shortly before the end of the war. It might be the year his energy and his groundbreaking mixture of law and cinema get him the prize.


Henry Waxman



OK, he looks like a nerd. But that funny- looking nose wants to stick itself everywhere! This guy investigates EVERYTHING! Sometimes he comes up against someone like Victoria Toensing who shows him up for the malicious idiot that he is but if you like the sight of trembling corporate executives trying to defend free enterprise or like to see the low-quality Bush Adminstration munchkins get spanked on CSPAN, ya gotta love Hank. Wait'll the push for National Health Care happens, I'll bet there's an urgent need for an investigation of the drug companies. He cant jump across the table and give'em a smack but you can see he'd love to. But for keeping the show-trial tradition alive and well keep your eye on Henry.










AND WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bimbo Eruptions anyone? She's got the FBI files, she's got the IRS records! She's got the private dicks! She knows it all and she's not afraid to use it! During the Clinton Impeachment this babe even launched smear campaigns against FDR, Eisenhower, Thomas Jefferson and George Washington (oddly enough JFK and Warren Harding were left unmentioned)! How many of you wives can say you intimidated a woman your husband raped into silence by threatening to destroy her business? When Impeachment rolled around the FBI files were released, lives were destroyed, but the Clints survived! But being one little fiery ball of meanness isnt why she won. She cares about the children and that's what really counts.

Hey, having a morally neutral Nobel Prize criteria is really fun! Those Nobel guys had a great idea when they thought of that. They must be SUPER smart! It really opens up the field.