Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Forward Funzies!

Like everybody else I receive a lot of 'forwards' in my e-mail in-basket. Here's one that I got today and decided to add my own thoughts to.

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2008

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack
2008 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again.

Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2008 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.
Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2008 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD.
School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang.
State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison..
Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2008 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement
for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher.
English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle,
blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2008 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents,
siblings removed from home, computers confiscate d, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.
Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Here are my additions:

1957- Jennifer has sex with boyfriend. Mother weeps for weeks and overdoses on Valium. Father calls her a whore and throws her out of the house because family is disgraced. After she has a botched illegal abortion which puts her in the hospital for several weeks and makes it impossible for her to ever have a child she becomes a professional streetwalker and an alcoholic.

2008 Jennifer has sex with boyfriend. They go downstairs and watch TV with her parents.

1957- Clyde smokes a joint. He tells his best friend who rats him out to the Vice Principal who calls the police. The family is convinced that Bob is a hopeless drug addict and has him admitted to a mental hospital where he is given a round of fifty electro-shock therapies. Ends up as a grinning idiot who is paid by the state to pick up litter downtown with a pointed stick.

2008- Clyde smokes a joint. He father yells at him for twenty minutes for stealing his stash and making him drive down the the Medical Marijuana dispensary to get some more. They all end up getting wasted and watching the animated maps on the Weather Channel the rest of the evening.

1957- United States citizens business interests are threatened by petty foreign dictator. America demands action with one voice. Elements of US Navy arrive offshore as Marines are deployed. A note containing an ultimatum is handed to the dictator, whose foreign assets have been seized. After a short bombardment in which several thousand innocent civilians are killed and injured and half the capital city burns down the Marines land and install an unpopular puppet regime which protects foreign business interests by rounding up thousands of 'suspected terrorists'.

2008- United States business interests are threatened by petty dictator. New York Times publishes front page story outlining the chaos and indecision secretly taking place in the White House and reveals the covert agents in the dictatorship and their methods of gathering intelligence. Left-wing demonstrators take to the streets defending the dictatorship's position and denouncing Global capitalism. International mediation bodies agree to put the issue on the agenda in next years round of trade talks. The business is nationalized and the dictator is given an honorary degree from Harvard.

1957- Bob is diagnosed with prostate cancer. He goes home and makes his peace with his approaching death.

2008- Bob is diagnosed with prostate cancer. It is treated and he goes into remission.

1957- Leland goes on strike at the plant. The company finally caves and signs a contract that gives the union members a fat package of high wages and benefits and a very generous retirement pension.

2008- Leland's company has been driven into bankruptcy by the huge costs associated with paying retirement pensions and wages that are twenty times the world level for the same job. Leland joins his union to demand that the Federal Government pay him his full pension and his local Representative and Senator add the demand to an Omnibus Spending Bill which creates a trillion-dollar deficit.

1957- Lil' Rufus goes to bed hungry because his parents dont have enough money to buy food.

2008- Lil' Rufus is treated for morbid obesity because his Baby Mama spends her food stamps buying giant boxes of Oreos at Costco, the school lunch program is carb-heavy, also the fruit-flavored punch dispensed free at the school is almost pure high-fructose corn syrup with a little chemical flavoring added, and the Boys Club he hangs out at after school has plates of free doughnuts for the kids to snack on while they play video games or watch TV.

1957- Johnston Family cuts back on meals to save up for the once yearly long distance phone call to Grandma who lives 1,200 miles away in Tennessee. The charge is $4 a minute station-to-station or $8 a minute person-to-person which takes a big chunk from dad's $120 weekly paycheck.

2008- Johnston Family members block grandma's number on their cell phones because ever since she retired to Costa Rica she phones them incessantly with her new one-price international calling plan.

1957- Glutzman family suffers respiratory problems because the coal-fired power plant upwind from them is belching clouds of unscrubbed black smoke.

2008- Glutzman family freezes in the cold because environmental regulations and taxes have destroyed the economy and the unemployed Glutzmans cant afford to turn on their heat or any lights.

1957- When Leroy appears at the county courthouse to register to vote he is met by a crowd of angry rednecks who kick the crap out of him as the local police stand by and watch.

2008- Leroy hands his absentee ballot over to be filled out by his local 'community organizer' who brought over a forty-ounce bottle of malt liquor in case Leroy was thirsty.

1957- Thirteen-year-old Ricky sees a bare titty in National Geographic Magazine and is caught masturbating by his mother who takes him to the priest. The priest tells him he's a filthy sinner and that God is going to punish him in Hell. The priest moves closer and puts his arm around Ricky's shoulders. Later the priest tells him that if he ever tells anyone what just happened everyone will hate him and call him a filthy, lying, little faggot. Ricky spends the rest of his life sneaking out of the house cruising for action in the bathrooms of gay bars and bathhouses.
2008- Thirteen-year-old Ricky logs onto on the internet after locking the door of his bedroom and jerks off to an image of a tattooed naked woman being gang-banged by four brawny bikers. Ricky never has a close relationship with a woman and spends the rest of his life having sex with hookers he finds on the internet.

1957- Zelda is a secretary. She cant afford to lose her job so even when her boss runs his hand over her ass and tells her he'd like to take her to a motel after work she has to smile and treat it as a joke. She also has to watch silently as the lazy mental defectives whose spelling, syntax and grammar she corrects as she types are promoted because they are men. Her only joy is being with her husband and children when she gets home.

2008- Zelda is the boss. The men give her phony smiles and tell her how nice she looks and she makes the lives of her women employees hell. Everyone is too scared to tell her what a nasty bitch she is. She makes tons of money and is buying a second house on Maui. After her fourth marriage was dissolved in an ugly and expensive court case she decided she would never have children or get married again.

Nothing changes. We were blind fools then and we are now.

No comments: